The Nine Circles of Writing Hell

Okay, I needed a brief reprieve from writing, so I went to my handy-dandy Google reader, and found THIS GEM! Note that I couldn't pick just a little bit of it, so I've quoted nearly the entire thing below. BUT! Click the link for the full post, and because Nathan has provided some very useful links that I did not include. Enjoy!

The Nine Circles of Writing Hell
by Nathan Bransford

First Circle - Limbo

Hello shiny idea for a novel! Should I write you? Should I not write you? Maybe I'll write a few pages and see how you go. Should I... oohhh Farmville.

Second Circle - Lust

Novel, you are so brilliant, you shine like a beautiful bright beacon, nay, like filigree sparkling in the darkest of unlit nights. Everything you do is wonderful, to change but one of your words would be a sin unto mankind. Whatever you want novel, whether it's second person stream of consciousness or an illogical plot twist or overwrought prose that makes people blush, you can have it, please take it, it's yours. I LOVE YOU, NOVEL.

Third Circle - Gluttony

No time to eat. No time to work. No time for breaks. No time to attend to essential hygiene. Twenty-six-hours straight. MUST. WRITE. NOVEL. I. WILL. NOT. BURN. OUT.

Okay, I'm starting to get burned out...

Fourth Circle - Greed

Dude, Stephenie Meyer wrote that vampire book in like six weeks or something and now she's a gagillionaire. How hard can it be?!

Fifth Circle - Anger

I hate agents, I hate query letters, I hate rejection letters, I hate editors, I hate published authors, I hate unpublished authors, I hate periods, I hate exclamation points, I hate semi-colons, I hate paper, I hate words, I hate the space between words, and most of all, I HATE THIS FREAKING NOVEL!!!

Sixth Circle - Heresy

You know what novel I don't like? THE GREAT GATSBY. I mean, what's the big deal?! Green lights and drunks and parties and blah blah blah? What a bunch of trash. I threw that book across the room. That Scott person needs to get a clue, I can't believe anyone published him. And DON'T GET ME STARTED on how much editing he needed.

Seventh Circle - Violence

Oh, you think you're reeeeallll clever, don't you, Manuscript. You think you're smart and witty and amazing and your characters are funny and you're going to make people cry. Well, how about I introduce you to my friend MR. SHREDDER!!! Mwa ha ha ha ha ha.....

Eighth Circle - Fraud

Oprah won't REALLY care if I make up this memoir...

Ninth Circle - Treachery

This novel doesn't need revisions. I don't need to write a good query letter. Who needs to take the time to research agents? This novel is gold, baby, gold!!

What could possibly go wrong?